I think. I feel. I wonder.
I must have already been screwed mentally since I was growing up. My adolescence was a confusion between the understanding of polygamy and heteronormative relationships. Both at the polar opposite spectrums.
In additional to the tag, I grew up queer. With this in hand it just didn’t occur to me that I would end up having world views and moral values that would differ from the standard.
Last year, I left my relationship when I realised I didn’t want it at all. I didn’t want to feel stagnant in a monogamous relationship that mirror that of heteronormative ones. I felt stifled especially with the expectations that had been in-grained in me throughout my youth, “find a good girl”, “get married”, “get a flat”, “have children”. Emulating these expectations were the last thing on my mind.
Upon realising that I shouldn’t hold myself back, I proposed to break-up with my boyfriend of 1 year, which was pretty long for a Singaporean homosexual relationship. I expected him to readily let go. We had talked about this before and it was no surprise. “I won’t hold you back” was what he always said to me when I asked whether he would chase me back.
It was only then I realised my moral values and world view was skewed from the norm already. I was completely open to the idea of open relationships, friends with benefits and polygamy. Despite being the usually jealous person that I get, I felt like the standard idea that I had about relationships just didn’t sit well for me. I wanted something to move me forward with my fast-paced personality. I wanted something that didn’t dwell on eternal commitment.
Then came the idea of being single again. I remembered watching Girl Trip and I was enamoured with Ryan’s speech at the end of the movie. I had to remember who I was before I depended on someone else. I had to remember where I was and what I needed before and why it didn’t work out and what I should look for in the future. I realised I wasn’t alone, I realised I wasn’t scared anymore and I realised that the only reason for loneliness is yourself.
I’m surrounded by a myriad of wonderful, beautiful people and my ability to connect with the multitudes of acquaintances I have come across is great. Within almost 2 months, I moved further away from old me and I began to learn so much more about myself that I would have ever learnt when I was depending on someone else.
Sometimes it’s not about finding someone to spend your life with, or someone to share your burdens and emotions with. It’s about finding that value add which you need to make yourself better than ever. Sometimes, that person is you. You are the determinant. In my perspective, I felt so lost 2 years ago that all I wanted was someone to baby me throughout my sadness, but what I needed after that was to be stronger, faster, and more intelligent.
I have finally found the “me” I was lacking and it’s only the beginning.
Lots of little notecards! These will be for sale at my table at the ICON Roadshow on Thursday~
Nos coutures by Maureen Angot
Comets and Stars by The Impatient Sisters
Gold by Kiiara
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